I recently heard from a wife who was desperate for answers as to why her husband cheated on her. She had repeatedly asked him for these answers but every time she did, he mostly replied with vague statements like “I just don’t know why I cheated. I just wasn’t thinking at the time. I just don’t know what got into me.”
Needless to say, these answers most certainly did not give the wife the information that she was looking for. She wanted very specific answers as to what caused him to cheat on her.
She felt that she was entitled to these answers and that honest responses were certainly not too much to ask. She said, in part: ”
I have a right to know why he cheated and I need this information to evaluate what I want to do about this. I’m always wondering if he was in love with the other person, whether he’s fallen out of love with me, whether I did something wrong, or if he even finds me attractive or desirable anymore.
Can someone be telling the truth when they claim they don’t know why they cheated on you?”
I know that this likely didn’t make the wife feel much better, but her experience is so common. Often, it’s difficult for men to pinpoint exactly why they acted as they did.
This is often a matter of self preservation. Because very few people want to admit that they were feeling vulnerable about themselves or they had a child’s impulse control at the time of their actions.
Examining these things is painful and is sometimes embarrassing. So they will often fall back on vague answers like “I don’t know.” Or, “I just wasn’t thinking. But it’s not you, it was me.”
Unfortunately, these things don’t really tell you anything and you deserve to know, at least in general terms, what you are dealing with. I hear from a lot of men on my blog who are in this very situation.
There are often honest with me because they feel that they are anonymous and that I don’t know them. So, in the following article, I’ll share with you some of the insights they give me on why they cheat on their wives.
Men Often Cheat Because Of Low Self Esteem, Self Doubt, And Low Impulse Control: When your husband tells you things like: “you didn’t do anything wrong. This is my fault and not yours,” he might not be lying to you.
Wives will often assume that they weren’t paying enough attention to their husbands. They will worry that they have taken him (and the marriage) for granted.
They will worry that they put the kids or the job first. And they will mostly worry about whether he still finds them attractive and desirable.
I can’t tell you that none of these concerns are valid. Some might be. But, I can tell you that, without any doubt, I firmly believe that most times, cheating has much more to do with issues with the unfaithful husband rather than issues with the faithful wife.
It’s no coincidence that most cheating happens after some sort of turmoil or crisis. Your husband has lost his job or one of his parents. Or perhaps he’s noticed a change in his looks or in his ability to get people’s attention. Any combination of situations such as these can make a husband vulnerable to cheating.
Societal issues and cultural norms play a role also. A man whose father or close friends have cheated on their wives becomes much more vulnerable and likely to engage in the same type of behavior.
Some men will tell you that they cheat to punish or “get back” at their wife for some perceived slight like not paying enough attention to them or not making time for them. But, at the end of the day, the result is the same.
These perceived slights left the husband feeling badly about himself and badly about his life. And the cheating was his attempt to feel better about himself. It almost always is.
Does Knowing Why Your Husband Cheated Make Things Better For You?: I completely understand why you feel you need answers. I did also when I was in this situation. But I have to tell you, sometimes the answers just lead you to more questions.
There’s often no way to tie this situation into a perfect bow or to make absolute sense of it. Yes, he made a dreadful mistake and it’s likely that even he doesn’t fully understand all of the factors that went into this. Plus, it’s often difficult for wives to understand a thought process that involves betraying someone else.
In my case, my brain could not comprehend this because cheating is something that I just would not ever do, no matter what circumstances were present at the time.
I often tell wives that it’s completely understandable to focus on all of the “whys.” You do deserve answers.
But sometimes you have to read between the lines a bit to get as much information as you can. And, once you’ve done that, then you’re usually much better off moving on to the “hows.”
Instead of focusing on the whys, you’ll want to ask yourself questions like: “how am I going to move on from this in a way that allows for some positive things to come out of this negative situation?” Because sometimes, you can get so bogged down by the whys that you never really get to the hows. And moving on to the hows is usually the beginning of your healing.
I struggled greatly with truly and completely getting over my husband’s affair, and the “why” questions kept cropping up. But, eventually, I was able to move to the “how” questions.
I am now myself again. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it